


clingy

by mirkwood131



Series: EXO Central [43]
Category: EXO (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Crushes, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hate to Love, M/M, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Secret Crush, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 03:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: Kyungsoo accepts to be Baekhyun’s fake boyfriend for 2 weeks. The only problem is that Baekhyun is in love with him and Kyungsoo isn’t. Meanwhile, he meets Sehun at a club, who makes him forget a little bit about his existential problems.





	clingy

**Author's Note:**

> i like the premise of it and the way i have started the fic; the writing doesn't impress me very much, but oh well... hope you'll enjoy:)

I’m in love with my brother’s best friend and that folks is some factual information. Head over heels in love, if I may correct myself. Everything about him entices me, from the way he chews on his bottom lip to how serious he becomes sometimes.

I love everything about that.

He’s a bad boy, you see.

Wearing leather jackets and black, tight pants, riding a red motorcycle and putting kohl liner around those big eyes of his, smudged around the corners in the sexiest of ways.

And that’s how, one day, coming back from a failed date with a guy that screamed the 80’s and masturbation in a sock at 12 in the afternoon, I saw him sitting on our beige couch.

Alone.

He was watching something on TV, focused on the screen, biting his lower lip again.

“Hey…where is Chanyeol?”

“Out, at a girl’s. She called and he felt the need to take care of her.” he said with a smirk, measuring me from head to toes.

It made me feel all kinds of ways, but mainly great. Amazing. While rubbing both hands over my arms, I sat down next to him, living barely any distance between our bodies.

“You cold?”

“A little.”

He stood up and returned moments later holding a fluffy blanket.

“Come on, I don’t bite.” he smiled, one corner of his mouth lifting higher than the other.

So I shifted closer to him until our shoulders were touching and truly, he was so warm and smelling of musk. Just musk and maybe motorcycle oil. We sat like that, in silence for a while, just watching the TV when he glanced at me and our faces were so close. I knew it would happen. I could feel it shuddering in my chest, the moment I had been waiting for so long.

He kissed me. His lip were slightly wet, not tasting like something in particular, but they were so soft and pliable. I sighed and he cupped my face, pushed me on my back and hovered over me.

“If you’re sure…” he said and I nodded.

I had been sure about that for so damn long. We fucked; on the couch while my brother could walk in on us. But he didn’t and we fucked on the couch. It was my first time too and Oh Lord, was it fucking great the way he had been pounding into me and digging his fingers into my skin.

Then we sat there, naked, with only the fluffy blanket covering our bodies, with my head on his chest. From time to time we would kiss and I would giggle.  

Actually, let’s rewind.

That-everything that you read up until now-was a lie. One big fat lie. Because we didn’t have sex on the couch or anywhere else. We didn’t.

Kyungsoo was not a bad boy.

Far from it.

Kyungsoo is Chanyeol’s best friend, but the real Kyungsoo is…well, he might actually hate me a little bit. Not wanting to fuck me, not that I think he fucked anything in his life. He’s quiet and nit-picking, loves cooking and pointing out how loud and annoying I am. This Kyungsoo wears black sweaters and baggy pants as well as thick framed glasses. This Kyungsoo is nothing like bad boy Kyungsoo.

Not even close.

He was the exact opposite of my fantasy one.

So this Kyungsoo would never fuck me on the couch. Or fuck me, period. But I still liked him, even though my real life was not like in that dream. I wished.

“Pass me the salt.” he said. “Not pepper. Salt.”

That’s the most we had chatted that week, which said something. We were alone, in the kitchen. He was wearing his white apron on top of his entire black attire. Black hair, black soul, you know.

“Would you taste it?” he asked.

So I walked towards him, I stopped a little too close and he placed the spoon near my lips. I licked the tip of it and I knew he was watching. He coughed and looked somewhere else.

“Is it good?”

“Yeah…” I whispered, touching his arm. “Kyungsoo…”

“Yeah…?”

My eyes were half lidded, my lips slightly parted. I looked pretty damn fuckable, just out of the shower. He kissed me and I pulled him closer until I felt his hardness on my-

Cut!

That was also not true either.

Chanyeol was there too, actually, and mostly, they were talking between themselves, not even paying attention to me. I was giving some butter or a plate to one of them from time to time, being regarded mostly as another kitchen object, less functional to say at least.

“Could we do something fun tonight?”

“This is fun.” Kyungsoo said and I honestly wanted to smash the bowl I was holding on his head.

“No, it’s not. Probably for the two of you, but I’m here like a freaking utensil.”

“Then make friends of your own.” Chanyeol said and smirked.

I hated that damn smirk. Kyungsoo laughed at that stupid joke of his and I dropped the bowl; right on my foot, and at first, I didn’t feel anything. Except for when I glanced down at my white sock that wasn’t so white anymore. It was turning red.

Red!

“I think…I cut something.”

I wish that had been a fantasy. But it wasn’t. My foot was pounding, harder and harder, as I kept staring at one big shard standing vertically-through some freaking magic-straight on that soaking red sock.

“Bring him to the couch. I’ll get some rubbing alcohol and…bandages.” my dear sweet brother said as Kyungsoo shook his head and came near me.

“Can you walk?”

I shrugged.

“Come on, put your arm around my neck. And don’t put any pressure on that.”

I did as he said, with a little help from him, and…I stepped on that foot.

“Fuckfuckfuck.”

“I’ve told you to not do that.”

I looked behind at a bright red spot in the shape of my foot sole, shinning on the floor tiles of our kitchen.

“Sorry.”

“Jump. Just jump.”

Easier said than done if you are not a damn bunny.

“Brought them.” Chanyeol said. “Take that off.”

“Well, the sock is impaled to my foot by a shard. I don’t want to take it off. What if I bleed to death?”

Kyungsoo sneered, rolled his eyes.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Nothing. You won’t die…from that.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know. Simple anatomy.”

“Baek…”

“I’m not taking it o-“

And it was out, with the help of Kyungsoo who was already holding the remaining of the damn bowl in his hand. “See? Still alive.”

“It hurts.”

“Now take the sock off.”

“You take it.”

“Really?”

“Really…”

It all hurt, that’s the conclusion, even more because Kyungsoo had been watching, helping Chanyeol from time to time, touching my foot which was burning only from that simple action.

“Like new.”

“Heck it is not.”

“You are so clumsy.” Kyungsoo said.

When I woke up during the night, Kyungsoo was at the edge of my bed, looking at me.

"Wha-"

"I was just checking on you." he said, placing a finger over his lips.

The mattress shifted as he crawled onto the bed, next to me, underneath the blanket.

"Come on, let's sleep."

Kyungsoo placed an arm over my middle, nuzzled in the crook of my neck, breathing hot air on my skin.

And...not true either.

That didn't happen either because that night, after me fucking up my leg, he left. Home. Just like that.

I had read a lot of articles on how to see if someone likes you. Well, he didn't look at me or make eye contact. Touch me, lean in, tell me about his passions and sorrows and pains of a thousand lifetimes.

And he left. When I!! was in pain.

Was I obsessed with him? Most probably.

In the morning, my foot felt like damn crap and the bandage-as well as a portion of the bed-were covered in blood.

"Chanyeooool!!"

"What?!"

"My leg...am I going to die? I want to say my last wish."

Shockingly as it may sound, my dear brother, almost 2 meters tall and with a monster cock-not really-didn't know about my eternal love for Kyungsoo.

"You are not. Maybe...we should go to the hospital. Put some sti-"

"Don't even think about that!!"

"But Baek...this is going to bleed for days."

"I don't care. No stiches."

We were living in the same apartment for 2 years, since I had also started university. I was not the most sociable human being even though that might seem the case. Chanyeol had always called me a snob when it came to people. In my case, there's only 2 friends, from which, one still lives in a totally different city. So just one.

Undoubtedly, I might as well consider Kyungsoo my friend too, but the only problem is that he had never seen me in that way, for the past 2 years that I had known him.

“Are you sure you don’t want any? I could call mom…”

“Don’t even think about calling mom.”

Mom, dear sweet mom, who would take me right back home, packed in an ambulance with the sirens working and two doctors by my side. Keep me in bed for a whole eternity while she would be feeding me chicken soup and already chewed meat.

No thank you.

“I won’t if you get stiches.”

“I’m not getting any stiches, please don’t make me get stiches.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“No, it’s only for yours. People back in the day were not getting stiches and they were just fine.”

“But you don’t live in 1500.”

“I might as well be.”

In the end, I got stiches.

He was so damn close to calling my terminator of a mother so I had no other choice. As a perk of the situation, Kyungsoo came too-I assume Chanyeol called him because it seemed like I was throwing quite a tantrum. My whole body was trembling, cold as a frozen lake as the needles was getting closer and closer to my leg. It was going to hurt.

“Don’t move.” the doctor with a huge, hamster like moustache said.

Kyungsoo looked down at me and nodded. Then, his hand covered mine and it was suddenly much, much better. The stiches didn’t hurt as much and in the end, my hand was extremely warm and fuzzy.

Lie…he didn’t do any of that. Only rolled his eyes from time to time, when I would squeak in pain and sorrows. In the end, my leg looked like Frankenstein’s monster one.

“You are done.” the doctor said. “How did you managed that?”

“Dropped a bowl on my leg.”

“Oh…you should have come sooner. It was harder to sew it like that.”

Probably it had been, who knows? For a couple of days I could stay at home, without going to university. That I called luck; luck which also gave me the chance to research my favorite topic in a bit more in depth. The problem is that all those article about love and relationships were written by people already dating, not miserable folks like me who couldn’t make the love of their lives like them back, just a little bit at least.

“Does Kyungsoo have a girlfriend?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just asking, geez.”

“No.” Chanyeol said.

“Loser.”

“You don’t have either.”

Another little problem: nobody knew that I was interested in guys, not even me before Kyungsoo had come into my life. It wasn’t that easy to figure it out, but 2 years in the future, I was pretty sure I liked guys better than girls. Or at least, I liked Kyungsoo the most.

“Here.” he said on the last night of my rest at home period.

A red box with a bow on top placed on the glass table. “Is that for me?”

“Yeah…” he shrugged.

This time, I am not lying. The box was not too heavy, but not light either. Chocolates. With walnuts. I hate walnuts.

“Thanks.”

It didn’t matter. He thought about me. Me. Kyungsoo had gone to a shop, picked them up, thinking about me while he had done so. The walnuts were just small details. Even the wrapping was amazing, red with little sparkles and a big bow on top.

“Chocolate?”

“You can go eat some. Received them from Jongin. I hate walnuts.” Kyungsoo said.

Well, so, after all, he hadn’t thought about me. He just didn’t like walnuts either.

“Who’s Jongin?”

“A guy.”

“Give me. I know you hate nuts.” Chanyeol said.

And then I dropped the entire box on the floor. What a pity.

“Really? Really?! You had to do that?!”

“It was only an accident. The floor is clean, though.”

“Dickhead. Who’s Jongin?!” he yelled.

Yes, I wanted to know that too.

“A guy, I’ve told you.” Kyungsoo said.

“Do you like that guy?”

“Not really. He’s kind of stupid.”

“Really? Since when are you into smart people?”

That had been the situation always. They had both been acting like I wasn’t there. Invisible man Baekhyun, eavesdropping to their conversations.

“Since forever.”

“Right.” Chanyeol rolled his eyes as he placed each chocolate back into the box. “Jerk.” he said to me.

“Jongdae is supposed to come tonight.”

“Really? So you have friends after all.” my dear brother said.

I hit him in the head with my functional foot and then shoved it right underneath his nose.  

“Watch it.” he said and slapped me.

“The door.”

The doorbell rang three times.

“Kyungsoo, you are the closest.”

“That’s not my guest.” he said but opened the door. “He’s on the couch.”

“Jongdaeeeeee!!!”

“Byun! Pizza and Terminator 2.”

Finally. No walnuts.

“Tell me it has no peppers on it.”

“No peppers, extra olives and ketchup.”

Frankly, I love Jongdae in that brotherly way. Sometimes, if I think about it, I wish I could replace Chanyeol and then my life would be just a little bit better.

“I’m Jongdae.” he said to Kyungsoo who only nodded in response.

“Kyungsoo.”

“We are going out.” Chanyeol said.

“Great! I don’t want to see your ugly faces!”

“Watch out who you call ugly!”

“You two!!”

“That Kyungsoo guy looks like a fucking jerk.” Jongdae said after a while, when we had almost finished the pizza.

“Because he is.”

Not even Jongdae knew about my little love situation, or gay situation or any situation.

“We should find you a girl.”

“Should we?”

“Yes, we should.”

“This pizza is good.”

“Don’t change the subject. Also, can I eat those?”

He pointed towards the box of chocolates. I wanted to burn it in the fires of hell and never see that red shiny stuff again. From Jongin, huh?

“Sure. Is from Kyungsoo who received it from some dude.”

“Oh…walnuts. I hate walnuts.”

“Me too.”

Sometimes I think that my life is actually good and that I have it way better than most people. Which probably, I do. But then, I think of Kyungsoo and how alone and utterly single I am. There’s not much that I am asking for.

Let’s all make an exercise of imagination, where we just think that he isn’t the jerk that he is and that, through some romantic comedy magic, he suddenly falls in love with me. But that won’t happen anytime soon. Never, to be clear.

I’ve even stopped fantasizing about it because I need to move on after 2 damn years.

One night, Chanyeol took me with him, Kyungsoo and some other guys-who I didn’t know, of course-to some sort of bar-club that smelled like expensive perfume and vodka. There was also Jongin with us, Jongin who looked like a Greek God and kept standing by Kyungsoo’s side like they were super-glued together. Even Chanyeol was there with a girl, not girlfriend, but girl.

I was alone. Utterly so and jealous. Jongin kept touching him over his hips and sometimes leaning too close to his face and whispering something into his ear. He would laugh, place a hand over his thigh, and say something back that in return would make Jongin giggle.

“She keeps looking at you.” Chanyeol said at some point, nudging me in the ribs.

I almost fell from the chair and Jongin suddenly looked at me.

“Go to her.”

“And what should I say?”

“Don’t be creepy, just goooo!” he said and I stood up.

My legs seemed to not want to work that well as I stepped towards her spot. She seemed nice, the type of person that would never look at me anyways, but through some spell, she was.

“Hi.”

It sounded like a mouse with a piece of cheese caught in its throat squeaked.

“Hi…” she said and placed her head on the palms of her hands.

The girl batted her eyelashes at me and, well, I didn’t know what to say more.

“I’m Baekhyun.”

“Seulgi.” she winked.

“I…actually…I’m not good at this.”

“It’s fine.”

There’s no need to bore you with the details of our conversation. Long story short, we actually left the bar, but not to do the dirty, but to just walk around the place.

“So…you like someone that doesn’t like you back.” she nodded, putting both hands in the pockets of her coat.

“Kind of.”

“For 2 years. Baekhyun, this is…”

“Stupid.”

Seulgi looked at me and laughed.

“I think that she has a boyfriend already…I’m not sure.”

Oh, right. I forgot to mention the detail that the girl was actually a guy. Ups.

“Maybe…you should move on? Sometimes some things are simply not meant to be.”

“Maybe…but it’s not that-“

“Simple? Yeah…”

Seulgi was great. Actually really great. She gave me her phone number and in some way, I fancied calling her and going out on a date together. Why not, after all? Kyungsoo was never going to like me back so there was no point in still dreaming about something that would never exist.

“How was the chick?” Chanyeol asked me when I opened the door to the apartment.

“It’s Seulgi. Great.”

“See?”

“What?”

“Why are you still miserable about that?”

“I’m not, I just don’t want you to get your nose into my life. I like her just fine.”

That came out a bit too forceful. Maybe I was not yet over Kyungsoo. How could I be?

“Do you like someone else?”

“No!!”

“You seem like you do.”

“Well, I don’t. I’m going on a date with her, anyways.”

Let me just hit my head on the wall a couple of times, because this is what I deserved then.

“That’s great!”

The next day, I called her. She picked up from the first try and actually said ‘yes’ to going to lunch with me. It wasn’t exactly named a date, but I was pretty sure that it was something along the lines of awkward lunch between two people that know close to nothing about each other and had met in a damn club.

“Punctual.” she smiled.

“You thought I wouldn’t be?”

“From your appearance, no.” Seulgi laughed. “Are you upset?”

“Heard worse.”

“Truly?”

I placed a hand over my heart and said: “Truly.”

“Alright then.” she said.

We chose a restaurant with quite a nice terrace and sat outside at a wooden table, since it was still quite warm outside.

“So…have you made any progress with that girl of yours?”

I shook my head.

“Didn’t have a chance to talk to…her.”

“I see. Well, when you see her, act like you do now.”

“Why?”

“You are quite charming when you don’t care.”

“Seulgi…I’m not-“

“Have I ever meant that this is a date or anything?” she asked. “I know my place. I really meant that when you are relaxed you are…great.”

“Thank you…”

Seulgi was a surprising girl. So much so that I’ve decided to tell her the truth.

“Actually…she is not a she, but a ‘he’.”

“Oh…”

She looked down at her food, a big hamburger, and then back up at me.

“I have nothing against it, so you know. And…is he not into guys then?”

“Not sure…I think he is but…”

“Well, you should still act like today with him.”

“He’s my brother’s best friend.”

“And what does your brother think of it?”

“Haven’t told him about it.”

“Baekhyun…”

“You’re the only person that knows that…I…you know.”

“Well, I’m trustworthy, or that’s what I think. So rest assured.”

Seulgi placed her index over the corner of her mouth and dragged it across the seam of her lips, before she threw an invisible object on the ground. “Sealed.” The lunch went on well as we didn’t talk anymore about my romantic dilemma. In a way, I felt bad for her. But then, I felt bad for myself too because it would have really been nice to fall in love with someone like her. To be honest, I don’t know why I still liked Kyungsoo. It was not for the way he had been treating me-like I was one stupid kid-and maybe not even for his looks. But I did.

That’s how it had always been-falling in love with the wrong people that don’t give a damn about my existence until they get bored of me.

Home, I found another red box on our glass table.

Kyungsoo was in the kitchen, cooking, and Chanyeol nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s my brother?” I asked.

“Uhm…in the bedroom.” he said.

“What’s he doing in there?”

“Don’t go!!” he yelled and grabbed my arm.

I glanced down at his fingers and then up at his face. We were close enough to kiss-to kiss him on the lips. He licked them, while his hand was still resting there. The water was boiling and my phone started buzzing in my pocket when I leaned down and did it. Damn, his lips were so soft and they tasted of vanilla.

Only that I didn’t actually do it.

“He’s having sex.” he said instead and went back to chopping some carrots.

“Oh…”

“And are you the cook or what?”

“Something like that. There’s chocolate on the table.”

“With walnuts?”

“Milk chocolate?” he shrugged.

“Where do you get it from?”

It was indeed milk chocolate. Decent.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo sighed.

“You don’t like him?”

“Not particularly.”

“Then you should tell him? That’s…shitty.”

“Not that easy.” he said and placed the damn carrot down. “We are friends, you see. Something that you could never understand.”

“What the fuck was that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you cannot understand cues.” Kyungsoo said and stepped towards me. “I like you. Idiot.”

I swallowed, hard, and fell down on the couch as he was hovering over me. Actually, our conversation stopped at “not particularly” because he didn’t pay any more attention to me afterwards. So much for making conversation with him.

After another 15 minutes of me walking around the apartment while Kyungsoo was cooking in utter silence, Chanyeol came out of the bedroom followed by a girl dressed only in a long white shirt. Wasn’t that supposed to be only in movies and not real life? At some point during my wait I texted Seulgi to come over for dinner.

I was filled with great ideas!

“That’s…Jennie…” Chanyeol said.

Kyungsoo grumbled something while his face was over the frying pan. The doorbell rang.

Seulgi.

What a fantastic little gathering. We only needed Jongin and the party would have been complete.

“Heeeey…I’ll explain later.” I said into her ear.

“Alright…? I’m Seulgi.” she said.

“Seulgi!!” Chanyeol yelled like the moron he was. “So…you like Baekhyun here, don’t you?”

“I…actually…”

“We’re friends. Just friends. Now can we eat?”

“It’s not ready yet…idiot.” Kyungsoo said, no, whispered the last word right when the spoon fell from his hand exactly on his foot.

What a pity!

“Fuck!”

“Do you need help?” Chanyeol asked, running towards him and stepping right on the spoon which as a consequence made him hit the pot filled with boiling water which tipped over the stove.

“You fucking moron!!!” Kyungsoo yelled, jumping 10 feet in the air. “You could have burnt both of us.”

“Oh lord…” Seulgi said.

She covered her face with both hands as Jennie kept standing in a middle staring at god knows what.

“Idiot!”

“It’s fine…it’s fine.”

“Baekhyun, bring the mop. And a new brain for him too.”

“Yes.” I said and ran to the bathroom.

Seulgi followed me.

“Don’t tell me he is the guy?” she whispered.

“Shut up.”

“So he is. He’s so…”

“Jerky? Yeah, something new.”

I grabbed the mop which was thrown in a bucket with some brown water on the bottom, so those slops dripped all the way back to the kitchen. Behind us there was a beautiful trail of dirty foam.

“Here.”

“It’s already damp.” Kyungsoo said and I thought that one vein would pop on his forehead.

“Well…you said to-“

“This is wet. The mop is wet. How am I supposed to take the water when there’s already water in it?!”

“I don’t know, smartass!!”

“Idiot!”

“Jerk!”

“Moron!”

The broom fell from my hand right in the puddle at his feet and splashed everywhere: the cupboards, us, our feet and socks. “I’m going to kill you.”

“It’s Chanyeol’s fault.”

“Kill both of you, then.”

“I’m going to clean it.” Seulgi said. “You two change your clothes. Baek…” she glanced towards me and only moved her lips as if to say: help me.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

And when I looked back, Jennie was still there, on her phone.

“Can she leave?!”

“Yes!!” Kyungsoo yelled, slamming the door of what seemed to be my bedroom.

“All of you are nuts.” she said. “I can’t leave with just a shirt on.” Jennie rolled her eyes and placed down the phone.

“I’ll throw the rest of water on you if you don’t get dressed right now.” Seulgi said that time, already lifting the mostly empty bucket.

Who would have thought?

“Thanks…” I whispered.

“You…are fucked.”

“Well…that-“I pointed towards the puddle-“is not my fault.”

“You do realize that you’ve been throwing insults at each other for the past 5 minutes. With other 3 people watching you…?” Seulgi said.

“Maybe…”

As it proved out, the puddle was hard to clean. It took us 10 walks to the bathroom to empty the bucket and clean the mop, while still finding more water in the oddest of places. During that time Jennie left without even saying “goodbye” and Chanyeol came back from his room dressed in a full black attire.

“Sorry ’bout that.”

“It’s fine.” Seulgi said.

“Is Kyungsoo in my room?”

“I think. He wasn’t with me…”

“I’m going to kill him.”

Honestly, I was more than pleased and excited that he was changing in my room. With my clothes, probably too.

When I stepped inside, it was all dark. “Kyungsoo…”

“What?”

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to sleep.” he said and then I saw his shape on my bed, right underneath my light brown fluffy blanket, with one bare shoulder showing out of it.

“On my bed…”

“Yes…”

Dear Lord. Was I in heaven? It only took me 3 steps to be at the edge of the bed and stare down at how perfect he was. He pulled the blanket aside and-oh my-he was not wearing a shirt. “Come on…”

How could I refuse staying next to him on my own freaking bed?! Of course I crawled in there as quickly as possible and nestled right at his chest.

“You are clingy.” he said.

“Huh?”

“Baekhyun, why the fuck are you staring at me with your mouth wide open?!”

Alright, maybe I had gone too far that time too. A little too much. When I walked in, Kyungsoo was just putting on one of my biggest hoodies stolen from Chanyeol a while ago. Fully clothed.

“Sorry, dazed out.”

“Have you cleaned the mess?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Are you mad at me?”

He stared at my face while he opened the door and didn’t say anything else. That might have meant ‘yes’ after all.

“All done.” Seulgi said. “Can we eat now?”

“Yes-yes.” Chanyeol said.

“You won’t touch the damn kitchen.” Kyungsoo said as he pushed him aside. “Everyone at the table and don’t move.”

“Do you actually like…that?” she said into my ear.

“Seulgi…”

“What?!”

“So….you two. Just friends, huh?”

“Right now, yes.” I said with a tight smile that threatened to crack at the corners. “We want to know each other better before we make another step.”

A clink. A “fuck this shit!!”

“Kyungsoo?”

“I’m fine!!!” he yelled.

“Are you sure you don’t need help?” Seulgi asked.

“Positive.”

Dinner was…something else. We didn’t really speak or laugh, mostly ate. I washed the dishes with Seulgi while Chanyeol had fallen asleep on the couch with Kyungsoo.

“That’s cute.” she said.

“Do you like my brother?”

“Of course not.” Seulgi laughed. “He’s cute, though.”

“Cute? He’s-he’s almost 2 feet tall. That’s not…cute. I’m cute.”

“Fine.” she rolled her eyes and placed the dish back into the soapy water. “You are the cutest.”

“Thank you.”

She took back the plate and stuck the tip of her tongue out. “Do you think you could…invite me over more?”

“To…see Chanyeol?”

“Would you mind?”

“No, of course not.”

It kind of did. If Seulgi were to date Chanyeol, then she would not be my friend anymore. And that sounded extremely sad considering that in the span of 2 days I had come to actually care about her.

“Okay…but only if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t. He’s all yours.”

Everyone was getting somebody, but not me.

“I should go home.” she said.

“I would drive you if I had a car.”

“It’s fine. I’ll take a cab.”

Chanyeol had Kyungsoo. I somehow had Jongdae, but Jongdae had a long term girlfriend with who he was spending most of his free time with. So, I had no one. Not even Seulgi for any longer. I wanted my own person too. Someone who would actually make time for me and treat me like an obligation.

They were even sleeping together on the same couch. So I sat between them, closer to Chanyeol who was less likely to kick me in the face, pulled the blanket on myself and placed my head on his shoulder. It was nice. Like old times.

“What are you doing?”

“Sleeping.”

“You are not a kid anymore….” he yawned, and from his breathing, I knew he had fallen back asleep.

When I was around 5 and Chanyeol 8, I would have sneaked into his bed after the curfew and wrap both arms around his body. I could say that those were the best night sleeps I had ever had.

That was also a good sleep, if it hadn’t been for the couch, which was rather hard and springy. Even Kyungsoo was somewhat closer to me. I looked at him and smiled.

Breakfast was actually great.

“Pass me the butter.” Kyungsoo said.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Decent.” he shrugged.

A sigh left my mouth.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” Chanyeol said.

“Do you hate me?”

“What?!”

“Do you hate me, you know? As in hate…”

“No…?”

“Was that a question?”

“Baekhyun, for fuck’s sake, I don’t hate you. Because yesterday I had an outburst, doesn’t mean I want to see you dead or something. I’m in a bad mood, that’s all.”

“Oh…”

“Are we fine?”

“Yeah…by me.”

“Good.”

“Don’t worry.” he smiled. “I’ll tell you when I’m mad on you.”

“How…generous.”

“Shut up.” he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

For some reason, after that day, things had started to change, not drastically like in one of my fantasies with him, but at a normal pace. There was close to nothing out of the ordinary, except for Seulgi’s presence almost every afternoon at our place. Kyungsoo was usually coming 3 times a week, when, as I heard from Chanyeol one night, he wasn’t so busy with work and his bachelor degree.

He started university that year.

One night it was just the four of us; Seulgi was already rather close to Chanyeol and not so much with me anymore, which was not that surprising but it still annoyed the crap out of me.

So it was me and Kyungsoo, the lonely folks.

“You know what I hate the most? When people you consider friends leave you for someone they deem better.”

I didn’t say that to anyone in particular.

Kyungsoo laughed and glanced at me. “Are you talking about Seulgi?” he whispered.

“I wasn’t…kind of.”

“I’m sorry.” he said and leaned in to place a hand over mine.

I shivered and looked somewhere else.

“Baekhyun. Do you hear me?”

“What?”

“I was saying that she’ll come around. Love makes you not think straight.”

Love. Huh?! How funny. He was the one talking about that.

“Maybe…whatever.”

“Don’t be jealous when you’ve obviously rejected her.” he said.

“How do you…”

“Oh, come on, who firsts befriends someone?”

“Me…”

“Well, then it’s not productive.” Kyungsoo laughed.

“What have you done with Jongin?”

He sighed and bit his lower lip. God, how much I wished I were the one doing that.

“Told him I’m not interested.”

“And…he was…”

“Not very okay with that but now we are fine.”

That was the longest conversation we had ever had. At some point, a week after all of that, Chanyeol broke it down to me that he was dating Seulgi so I was about to see her even more than before. I couldn’t really be mad with those circumstances, considering that I had told her that I was gay. Fact that nobody knew except for her.

Another thing that I had learnt those days was that our walls were paper thin and Seulgi liked to make a lot of noise. Plenty of it, right in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep like a normal human being. The problem was that I couldn’t tell Chanyeol about it and not even her because I was too embarrassed. Me, embarrassed. Because of that, I had started having the worst of dreams.

Frankly, terrible.

And that’s how somehow, one night before an exam that I had to pass-or else I was about be expelled from university-I called Kyungsoo.

“Can I…”

“It’s late. It got to be important.”

“I need to sleep somewhere quiet.”

“What?”

“Kyungsoo, please, let me sleep at your place.”

He said ‘yes’. But when he opened the door for me he didn’t look pleased; more so frowning and yawning, dressed in some too big for him pajamas.

“Chanyeol and Seulgi are veeery noisy.”

“Then why don’t you tell them?”

“It’s awkward.”

“He’s your brother.”

“Well…we don’t talk about this kind of stuff.”

“Are you fucking five?!”

“Please don’t throw me on the streets.”

“I won’t. But you’ll take the couch.”

“Alright.”

The couch was horrible. Terrible.

But, as a bright part, I did pass the exam. Because of that, I bought Kyungsoo a candle. He had a bunch of them scattered across the living room so I supposed he wouldn’t mind one more. It smelled like vanilla and cookie dough.

I knocked one afternoon at his door and hoped he would be home.

“Baekhyun?”

“A…something for letting me use your couch the other week.”

“Thanks?”

He actually opened it in the doorframe and smiled.

“Smells nice. Thanks.”

“Uhm…yeah. I’m now gonna go home to…you know sleep and stuff.”

“I’m cooking. You could stay if you want.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…pasta.”

“I love pasta.”

We were still in the doorframe, him holding the candle and me shifting from one foot to another.

“Come in. I’ll light this.” he said.

His whole apartment actually smelled like cinnamon and vanilla without the candle. Even his clothes, as I found out later, when he borrowed me a t-shirt and some sweats, smelled that way. Sweet but not overly. Homely. At that point I didn’t even care that the couch was too hard and springy, or that I could barely fall asleep because of that.

“Baekhyun?”

“Uhm…”

“Come on…come sleep in my bedroom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Baekhyun…your phone is ringing.”

That was actually a good beginning for a dream.

“Huh?”

“Your phone.” he said and placed it right before my eyes.

“It’s…the alarm.”

“Do you have anywhere to go today?”

“No…”

“Then sleep.”

Kyungsoo turned around, and that time-there was no dream or fantasy-I grabbed his wrist. He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

“I just…can you sit next to me…?”

“Like hug you?”

“Kind of…”

Most of me knew he would laugh in my face and then say no. But he didn’t.

“Move.” he sighed and pushed the blanket aside.

Kyungsoo sat on his back, covered himself and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. He turned around, facing me and rolled his eyes.

“How am I supposed to hug you like this?” he asked and I quickly shifted on the bed until I was pressed against his chest and one arm came to rest on my middle.

“Thanks…”

“Go back to sleep.” he said.

Frankly, I was afraid to, because I was certain once I would, he would leave. So I didn’t even close my eyes.

“Kyungsoo…?”

“What did I tell you?”

“Okay…”

It was fine like that too, sitting in silence, knowing that he was not sleeping either. My hand rested over his and after another 10 seconds that I counted in my head, I intertwined our fingers. He didn’t say one word, only breathed out warm air over my neck.

We woke up later, and he was still there, next to me, warm and rather soft to the touch.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

“Yes.”

We ate pancakes made by him since he didn’t let me anywhere near the stove or his kitchen in general. On a chair at the table I was sitting and watching him mix the eggs with flour and milk in a bowl and then pour the batter on a buttered pan. At the end of it, the entire apartment smelled like vanilla and chocolate.

“They are amazing.”

“Thanks.”

It was silent during our meal, but I didn’t mind it. At least he wasn’t shouting or calling me names.

The change was not that sudden, because back at our apartment, Kyungsoo would be just as hostile as before. Not touching me or saying anything other than that I messed a thing or two up.

Until three weeks after Kyungsoo hugging me on the couch. That’s when I took the bull by the horns. It was only the four of us that night, watching a movie, with Seulgi and Chanyeol in a corner, hugging and from time to time, making out.

On the other side, there was me and then, 1 meter away, Kyungsoo. So I shifted closer. Slowly, extremely so, until I was next to him and our arms were touching. Then came the next step: placing my head on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything, only coughed.

We stayed like that for god knows how long before I went for the second, more dangerous step: hold his hand. First, I started by playing with his fingers; pinching one or squeeze another one, until I placed my hand over his. He closed his fist around mine and I grinned to myself. Success!

“What’s this for?” he said into my ear; I shivered.

“You don’t like it?”

He didn’t say anything else after that but didn’t let go of my hand either. With him, I never knew what to actually think.

After one other week of nothing spectacular happening between the two of us, except for the casual insult once in a while, the same thing occurred on another movie night, that time with 2 more people: Jongdae and his girlfriend, Yeri.

He was the one to take my hand into his and traces circles on my palm. When I looked at him, he was staring at the TV. Maybe I hoped for something more romantic, but I was fine with that too. At some point, he stopped and placed his hand over his lap. That left my entire body cold and trembling, so I shifted closer to him, doing the same as the other time.

“You are clingy.” he said and pushed me away.

If I were to fantasize, I would imagine that he would take my hand again and place a little kiss on my wrist, then on the back of it. He would do all of that smiling. Then, Kyungsoo would look at me, trace his fingers over my jaw and lips and-

“Do you want popcorn?!!” Jongdae yelled.

“Yes!”

You got the point.

“I’ll help.” Kyungsoo said and left.

Just left, left me alone on the freaking couch. Needless to say, I didn’t eat popcorn. How could I be hungry when Kyungsoo was sitting right next to me, acting like 15 minutes ago my heart hadn’t been beating too fast or my hand hadn’t been to warm, all because of him.

“I think I’ll crash on your couch.” he said to Chanyeol after Jongdae and Yeri left.

“Fine. But ask Baek for pajamas.”

Well, I wasn’t willing to give anything to him, not after ignoring me for the rest of the night. He knocked at the door and opened it without waiting for an answer. The room was…all kinds of ways. My clothes all piled on the floor as the university books were all over the desk and on the unmade bed with sheets that I hadn’t changed in 4 months.

Judge me.

“Can I borrow a t-shirt and some pants?”

“All in the washer.”

“Not even a pair of sweats?”

“Washer.” I said even though I was stepping on miniature hills of clothes.

“Then what are those?”

“Dirty. And why am I supposed to give you stuff when Chanyeol is the one who invited you here. He is your friend, not me?!”

“Alright then, fine.” he said and slammed the door.

Great, peachy, just great. Could it turn even better than that?

The rule with any relationship or any of that crap-all that I read in magazines-is to not just ran after the person like a desperate puppy and try to bandage the wound. Screw rules.

“Okay, come back…”

He looked back at me and sneered.

“So now they are out of the washer or what?”

“Here.”

“Thank you.” he said but I knew he wasn’t actually thankful and I really wanted to punch him then.

“You don’t have to use the couch.”

“Why?”

“Uhm…we could share the bed, if that’s okay.”

“Okay.” he shrugged.

Kyungsoo made a small China wall between our two bed sides; all my clean blankets and pillows were stacked one on top of another, making impossible to even see him.

“Are you for real?”

“You are clingy.”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are. You keep putting your head on my shoulder and if you thought I didn’t notice, I did but I didn’t want to annoy the rest. So, pillow wall.”

If I had anything more dangerous than a book in my room, I would have beaten him to death. Thinking that I had believed him to slowly but surely fall for me made me laugh and cry at the same time.

“I’m sleeping on the couch.”

“Why?”

“I’m too clingy for you so it’s better that you have the entire bed, don’t you think?!”

“Baekhyun!”

The door closed behind me with a slam and then I realized I had no pillow, no blanket, nothing and I couldn’t just return to my bedroom and take them.

“Baekhyun…come on. I’ll take the blanket and pillows down.”

I gave in. The whole night I tried to keep my distance from him, sit as far away as possible, exactly on the edge of the bed. In the morning I had almost fallen down pon the floor. My back hurt.

“Baekhyun…” he whispered. “Did you sleep like that the entire time?”

Kyungsoo placed a hand on my shoulder but I brushed it away.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” I said.

It was a nice long shower where I rubbed one off and unfortunately thought about the douchebag sitting in my room. In the end, I smelled really fucking good, so good that I could eat myself. That sounded extremely wrong.

“What took you so long?” Chanyeol asked.

Seulgi looked at me and smirked. We were on good terms, decent ones I could say, but in the end I wasn’t eager anymore to have her as my friend. It was enough having her every day in my house.

Kyungsoo was in the kitchen, of course, cooking.

“Baekhyun…” he said.

“What?”

“You are mad at me for whatever reason.”

“I am fine.”

“Mad. I’ve told you that I’ll tell you when I’m mad so I expect the same from you.”

“No! I am not and even if I were, why do you care?”

“So you are…is it because of the damn pillows?”

“Yes!”

He sighed and turned the pancake on the other side.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah…whatever.”

“I’m sorry for calling you clingy and ignoring you all night. Is that good enough?”

“It’s fine.” I said but grinned in the meantime, so the whole dramatic effect was done.

He raised an eyebrow and I laughed. So much for acting upset.

“Hug me.”

“Baekhyun.”

“Hug me.”

“Let me finish the pancake.”

Kyungsoo hugged me afterwards. One good hug that left me feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside.

After that, I realized that my tactic was not right. Absolutely not. There was not a lot of boldness or any ‘je m’en fiche’ in me. So I had to at least fake some of it. Kyungsoo didn’t have Instagram or any social media, so I couldn’t post raunchy pictures on there and hope that he would notice me.

In effect, I needed to do it in real life; test the waters.

First, I bought a choker and wore it the next night he came over. Even Seulgi noticed it and said I looked quite sexy. Indeed I looked. A sexy kitten ready to play. Dear god, what am I saying about myself?

It needed only a small, golden bell and I was good to go to the pasture and eat some grass as a sheep. The important part was that I looked great and Kyungsoo needed to say all of that to me.

That day, I left no space between our bodies-I even applied cherry chap-stick on my lips-and ran my fingers across his thigh from time to time. Up and down, slower and faster, while my other hand was held by his. He didn’t say one word, but at least he didn’t move further away from me.

Later, I didn’t need to ask him. Kyungsoo already walked into my bedroom and sat on the bed.

“What’s up with you two?” Chanyeol asked me when he was about to go to the bathroom.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re wearing a choker and he’s sleeping on the same bed as you…?”

“Better than the couch?” I shrugged.

“If mom sees you with that-“

“Even Seulgi likes it so shut up. Go take your shower.”

Kyungsoo was wearing my clothes, which had always made me feel some kind of way. That day, it was way worse. Something was about to happen.

“Do you like it?” I asked him.

“What, the choker?”

“Huh…”

“Looks nice.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… I guess.” he yawned, stretching his body.

You know what that meant, the yawn and the whole pause? He didn’t give a damn about my choker.

Plan B, everybody. More in stock to come. Getting undressed in front of him; it might seem slutty-which it was-but I was a guy, he was a guy, there was no shame in doing such things in front of one another. Or that’s what I thought at first.

“What are you doing?” he asked when I threw the t-shirt on the floor and remained in my bare chest.

“Changing in my pajamas.” I said.

My nipples were hard, that’s for sure, hard and aching because the air in the room was too cold and there it was, Kyungsoo, staring at me. So…I turned around because at that point, I couldn’t take myself seriously.

The pants came afterwards, and I almost fell down trying to put the sweats without him seeing that much of my ass-which was the initial plan, but what I forgot was that I am a chicken. And the choker was still on.

“Can you help me take it off?”

“Sure.” he said.

I bent down and waited; his fingertips were cold on my skin but it felt good. Too good for what it was. He turned off the light and we were both in bed.

Well, nothing worked in the end and I was feeling quite cheap too. Then, the mattress shifted and I knew he was closer to me than before. He placed a hand on mine and I waited.

In my head, there were 20 different scenarios just for that, waiting for me to use one of them as my bed time story.

“Baekhyun…” he whispered.

“Yeah…” I swallowed.

“Did you do all of that to impress me?”

Well, fuck.

“Why would you say that…?”

“You’ve changed in front of me and wore a choker. And you know I like guys…”

“Can you hold me?”

I didn’t like where that was going but I didn’t want to let him finish.

“Baekhyun. I don’t like you in that way, if that’s what you want to know.”

He was still holding my hand but I brushed it away.

“Don’t be…”

“What? Stupid? Then why did you let me hold your hand and hug you and sleep in the same bed as you and…do that in front of you?”

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted…I should have known better.” he said.

“Yes, you should have.”

I felt horrible. Cheap and silly.

“Why…don’t you like me…like that, I mean?” I asked because I honestly thought that I had done everything that I could.

“You are Chanyeol’s brother, I-“

“That’s not a good reason at all.” I said.

“I can’t see you like that.”

“How?”

“Baekhyun…”

“How?”

“I can’t picture myself being in a relationship with you. You are not…”

“Your type. Right. Now, please, can you leave my room? Please…?” I whispered the last word.

“Okay…I’m sorry. Really…I’m really sorry for making you think that…”

‘You like me…’ Well, fuck it. I should have known it from the beginning, which meant 2 years ago.

The morning was even worse. There he was, in the kitchen, not even looking at me and me, with some big dark circles around my eyes.

“What’s with you two?” Chanyeol asked.

“I couldn’t sleep well.”

“And you?” he pointed towards Kyungsoo with a fork.

“Same.”

“Well, at least there’s something you both agree on.”

At least he couldn’t sleep either. That made me feel better in a way.

“Did you sleep on the couch?” Seulgi asked and I wanted to kick her, which I did under the table.

She winced and poked her tongue at me.

“Yes?”

“Oh…problems in paradise?”

I hit her again but somehow, she shirked and I only banged my foot in the table edge.

“What paradise?!” we asked at the same time which made Chanyeol stare at both of us while Seulgi was smiling behind her hand.

“You didn’t know?” she said, glancing at him.

“What…should I know?”

“They are…you know…dating.”

That’s when I dropped the fork and Chanyeol remained with his mouth wide open while all the food fell from it.

“D-dating?”

“You are so oblivious, isn’t he?” she laughed, patting his thigh and looking at me.

Seulgi had just chosen the worst of moments to do a little scheme; what made it worse is that she winked and elbowed me.

“You…two?” he pointed at both of us, “dating? Like…are you even…gay?”

That was not how I was supposed to break the news for him. I nodded.

“And you…the other day you’ve told me that he is extremely clingy with you because I need to pay more attention to him…? But you were both…dating?”

Kyungsoo was not saying a word, only staring at his half eaten food.

“Yup.” I cleared my throat. “For 2 weeks now.”

“2 weeks?!”

“Yes. Kyungsoo is…” I looked at him and I knew I was fucked from the way he was chewing on his thumb, so much that blood was already dripping down. “He makes me happy.”

“Kyungsoo?”

“Uhm…that was not the way you were supposed to find out about us.” he said and looked at Seulgi.

“Ups.” she shrugged

“I can’t believe.” Chanyeol shook his head.

“Me neither.” I whispered and retrieved my fork. “It’s a dream come true.”

It was a hell of a breakfast. Seemed like Chanyeol couldn’t grasp the notion that I could be dating someone that was not a girl and that was also his best friend. But that was the smallest of my problems. The biggest was Kyungsoo. And then Seulgi, who I was intending to torture.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t tell her to do that.” I said while running after Kyungsoo on the stairs.

“Oh, then how did she know?”

“I’ve told her that I like you, which I don’t believe it is a fucking crime.”

“She just…I don’t like you that way and now my best friend and fucking brother of yours thinks that I fuck you in the room next to his. I’m sorry, Baekhyun, but I’ve never seen you as more than a…”

“Got it.” I said.

“Tell him she lied.”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. Just tell the truth. We are not dating.”

“Why are you so scared of that?! I’m not worse than that Jongin guy that kept giving you candy.”

“I don’t like Jongin either!!”

“Do you like someone?! Ever?! Or does it have to be prince charming with a golden castle and a fucking golden dick?!”

“Baekhyun, I don’t like you. Point.”

“You held my hand. On multiple occasions. You let me snuggle you and you cuddled me that time and you liked it. That’s something that people that like each other do. I read about it.”

“I…I felt sorry for you.” he whispered, grabbing the railing.

“You felt…sorry for me?”

“Just tell him…” he sighed.

“Fine.” I whispered.

“Fine.”

I didn’t tell Chanyeol. It took him so long to digest that, so telling him that it had only been a lie would cause him to implode and turn into a little white dwarf, gravitating through space.

“You and Kyungsoo…uhm…do you guys…”

“What?”

“You know…do…things that gay people do…?”

I blushed. Hard. One nod.

“Oh…”

“Don’t go that far.” I said. “We argue a lot though.”

“Oh…do you want some…relationship advice?”

“Maybe…”

“Always use a-“

“Something else.”

“If you fight a lot…maybe you need to sit and talk about what annoys you?”

“Chanyeol? Are you okay with this?”

“Yesss. It just took me by surprise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Me, on the other hand…I was hurt; pretty much in my own damn ego and pride and everything in between. Kyungsoo pitied me so that was the only reason why he had been nice to me. And I had believed everything.

The next time he came over, Chanyeol was still in the bathroom.

“I couldn’t tell him.” I said.

“Why?!”

“He would have imploded. We’ll just say after a couple more weeks that we broke up.”

“Baekhyun.”

“In 2 weeks we’ll break up.”

“There’s nothing to break up.” he whispered.

“Please…he’ll be so upset at me for lying. Please. It doesn’t have to be anything, just pretend for 2 weeks.”

“Fine. 2 weeks, nothing more. You can only-“he looked around the apartment, “hold my hand and hug me.”

“Fine.”

“Heeeey…did I interrupt anything because I can-“

“It’s fine.” Kyungsoo said.

My fake boyfriend for 2 weeks. At least I could hold his hand. Kyungsoo cooked that night and I sat on the couch and watched him move around the kitchen and wondered what I was doing so wrong that he couldn’t imagine, not even one second, me as someone he could fall in love with. He was the least imaginable person I could think of that I would like, and yet I did.

While we ate, he didn’t even look at me and I felt like the unluckiest person on planet Earth. There he was and he couldn’t see that I cared about him with all his imperfections and everything else that annoyed me about him. I was there and yet he was pushing me away.

“Well…I’ll leave you for the night then.” my brother said and I was sure what he was thinking about, which made me blush and look at my feet.

“You could make your pillow wall.” I told Kyungsoo once we were in my room.

“It’s fine.”

“Okay…you could have gone home.”

“What was Chanyeol supposed to think then? He already has the impression that we fuck.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Baekhyun.”

“No. You don’t like my presence so I won’t push it on you. The couch is fine and you should have gone home.”

That night I didn’t sleep well at all. Not that I was expecting to, with the couch being too hard. I woke up before Chanyeol which meant that he would have no idea about anything. To my misfortune, Kyungsoo woke up at the same time as me and grumbled something as he walked into the kitchen.

“What?”

“I said: good morning!”

“For you, maybe.”

He sighed and turned the stove on. “Make me a coffee too?”

Kyungsoo nodded and I headed for the bathroom. I couldn’t do that for much longer. 2 weeks and it would be over.

I masturbated again. That was beginning to get annoying, but I couldn’t help it that much. Unfortunately, I made a mess all over the shower wall which meant that for half an hour I had to scrub and scrub until it was all spotless.

“Morning.” Chanyeol yawned.

“Slept well?”

“Not really…”

Shocking.

“Here, your coffee.” Kyungsoo said and gave me my favorite mug that I had it stashed in the back of the cupboard so that Chanyeol wouldn’t break. How did he know?

“Thanks…” I smiled and-hold yourselves steady on your chairs-he kissed me on the cheek.

It was fast and his lips brushed against my skin for a second but it sent all those spiky chills through my body and I knew that no matter how much I was trying, I wasn’t over him. At all.

He smirked and sipped from his coffee. Chanyeol coughed.

“Nice coffee.” Chanyeol said.

“Are you embarrassed?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Me? Of course not. I mean…by all means do whatever you…want to do. I’m great with that. I have no problem with that.” Chanyeol said and spilled some coffee over his hand. “Fuck!” he waved it around, splashing us with the warm, brown liquid.

“Really?”

“Sorry?”

“You clumsy…” Kyungsoo said and grabbed the sponge. “Clean around, now.”

“You know it’s my kitchen, right?”

“I live here 3 days a week.”

The phone rang. Mom. Mommy. Mother. I was doomed.

“Yeees…we are home. Surprise…what?”

A knock at the door and I knew it was her. Which was true. Kyungsoo looked at me and I shrugged as he opened the door.

“Baekhyun!!” she said and hugged me.

As her youngest son, I had preferential treatment, which meant too many hugs and kisses.

“I have work.” Kyungsoo said. “Hello! I’m Kyungsoo and now I have to go.”

“Where are you going?!” she asked but he was already closing the door and probably running down the stairs like the devil from anything holly.

My fake boyfriend, everybody!

“What’s with him?”

“Uhm…” Chanyeol whispered and I knew he would break and tell my mother about it. He had no stop button in his functioning mechanism. “Boyfriend.”

“What?”

“Kyungsoo is his…boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?” my mom asked and I turned red.

Suddenly, it was too warm in the room and the mug too hot in my hands so I placed it on the table and cleared my throat.

“Baekhyun…?”

“I’m gay!” I yelled. “Happy, everybody? I’m gay. I like dicks!”

“Baekhyun. Watch your mouth.”

My mother was quite an open minded person, as much as she could, of course. That time, I truly hoped she could be open minded with that too, especially when Seulgi and Chanyeol managed to ruin everything for me.

“Baek…you’re still my son even if you…like…boys.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Don’t be a little prick.” she said and hugged me again. “You’re my son and I’ll love you the same no matter what. If that boy makes you happy, then I’m happy too.”

The only problem was that I was not happy, or Kyungsoo was not making me happy, but miserable.

“Tonight invite him over so that I can have a talk with this young man.”

“He has work and school…he’s been kind of busy.”

“Baek…one afternoon.”

“Mom…we’ve just started…you know, dating. Isn’t it too sudden for him to meet my parents and all?”

“I don’t think so.” she said. “So, this afternoon?”

“Alright…”

Our little lie was growing bigger. Too big, actually to fake a break up after 2 weeks. I called him during lunch break and he accepted without grumbling or throwing a tantrum. At 7 sharp, he was in front of our door holding a bouquet of red roses and a box with a big golden ribbon on top of it.

“For your mother.” he said when I raised an eyebrow.

“That’s…a lot.”

“Shut up.”

My mother hugged the crap out of him and ruffled his hair like she had used to do to both me and Chanyeol. That meant she liked him. Quite a lot, considering she sat next to him at the table and in no time they started sharing cooking recipes and weird stories about me; how did Kyungsoo know all of that about me was a mystery. But he did, ranging from my favorite color and my first pet to the fact that I was clingy and annoying.

My mother was in love with my fake boyfriend who hated my guts.

“You can sleep here.” she said after dinner to him.

“I don’t want to-“

“Oh, sweetheart, I am sure Baek would be thrilled to have you over.”

Thrilled. Right. Thrilled to kill him with an ax.

And he also said yes to that like a good boyfriend he was. I wanted to beat him to death and throw his body in a river. That’s how much he annoyed me with his perfect guy aura he was trying to throw in everybody’s faces. My mother the most. Liar. He wasn’t fooling me.

“I’ll sleep on the floor.” I told him once in my room.

“Your floor is covered in clothes.”

“Even better. It’s soft then.”

“Baekhyun…”

“Don’t sit closer than that.” I said.

“For Christ’s sake, it’s just a fucking bed you have to share. What’s up with you? One week ago you were begging me to-“

“One week ago I didn’t know you pitied me so much that you had to pretend that you were not disgusted with how childish I am.”

“I don’t pity you.”

“That’s exactly what you said: that you pity me so that’s why you’ve been nice to me. And now you come with a freaking bouquet and share stories with my mom about me like you have any right?!”

“What was I supposed to do?” he asked, stepping closer to me.

“Tell her the truth, because this situation annoys you greatly anyways. I annoy you.”

“Your mom is very nice and she seemed excited.”

“Oh, so let’s keep lying to her, right?!”

“You made me pretend.”

“I didn’t force you!”

“You are unbelievable!” he said between gritted teeth and sat down on the bed. “Your room is a fucking mess too.”

“Thank you.” I said and he sighed.

Kyungsoo sat on the bed and placed his head on the palms his hands.

“Baekhyun…come on. I want to sleep.” he said and patted the mattress.

“Me too.”

“So…”

“So…”

“Could you switch off the lights so I can change?” he asked.

I sighed and I did just that.

“Thanks.”

I threw all my clothes on the floor and sat like that, in the middle of the room. Only wearing my boxer briefs while the guy I was supposedly in love with was on the bed. My bed. I slipped underneath the covers wearing only that, feeling the sheets cold on my skin.

“Are you naked?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“You’ll get cold.”

“Whatever.”

All my clothes were in the washer and that time it was no lie.

“Baek…” he said and I felt him getting closer, the bed shaking a little bit until the side of his body was pressed against mine.

He was warm, so warm and I hated how much I craved that.

“Come on.” he sighed and placed an arm over my middle.

“Why are you doing this…because you pity me again?”

“Because…if I don’t like you like that doesn’t mean that I hate you or that I would despise hugging you. You are cold and shivering.” he said and I turned around and pressed my face against his chest.

His hand was on my bare back, moving it up and down on the expanse of skin while I was getting hotter and hotter, boiling next to him.

“Now you are heating up. Do you have a fever?”

I shook my head. He stopped and I whined. What is pride in such moments? “It’s nice…”

“Are you…?” he asked.

I blushed and pushed my lower body further away from him.

“Sorry…”

“Baek…”

“I can’t control it.” I said. “Even though I’m still mad at you, I can’t.”

“Okay…should you…take care of it?”

“No…”

“You sure?”

“Positive. It goes away when you call me idiot.”

He laughed, his chest shuddering against mine. But his fingers started playing with my hair, along my ears and then scratching at my scalp. I closed my eyes and leaned into him again.

“You like it?”

I nodded and Kyungsoo laughed, pinching my ear lobe. “Good night.” he whispered.

In the morning, he was still next to him, hugging me from the back. It was warm and soft and comfortable as his breathing was still slow. I didn’t want to wake up.

“Morning…” he said and pressed over me to take the phone on the night stand. “I have work…today.”

Everything was too casual, too ordinary as he stood up from the bed and changed his clothes in front of me, even though I had my eyes closed the entire time.

“Won’t you eat something?”

“I’ll buy from a bakery something.” he said and left.

His side was still warm and dented, so I sat there, hugged his pillow which smelled like my shower gel and maybe his shampoo and skipped my first 2 courses.

The clothes he wore were on the side of the bed; I picked them up and smelled them. It was weird; I knew that, so I quickly put them in the drawer and closed it.

When I entered the kitchen, my mom was there, drinking coffee.

“Morning, sleepy head. Don’t you have school today?”

“Skipped it to stay with you.” I said. “How do you like him?”

She smiled and ruffled my hair. “Well, he’s much better than I hoped for. He’s doing spatial engineering. Smart boy. And he knows how to cook and knit too. And…the most important part.” she said and took a break, for another sip. “He really cares about you.”

Well, that was something.

“Really?”

“Why do you act so surprised. You can see it in the way he talks about you with that dumb grin on his face. You didn’t tell me that you cut your foot.”

“Oh…that….” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“And you didn’t want stiches. Or the time you were that sick that you couldn’t remember anyone so he stayed with you for 3 days to feed you soup because Chanyeol was too afraid that you were going to die?”

I didn’t know that. One, because I couldn’t remember that week from the too high fever, and two, because nobody bothered to tell me anything. Not my brother, obviously.

“I think he is worth your love.” she said.

I swallowed, hard and felt like falling down and staring into the void.

“Did he tell you anything else?”

“I don’t know. You probably know all of it already.”

“Maybe he told you stuff he doesn’t say to me…come on…” I said, batting my eyelashes at her.

“He said you act like a child most of the time and cling to him too much, so sometimes he is afraid to you consider him more like a brother than anything else. And that you throw tantrums from anything.”

“That’s not true. Most of the time he is the jerk!!”

Kyungsoo cared about me. Not just pitied me, he actually cared about me and it took my mother coming there to find out all of that.

“Baek…”

“Alright, half and half.”

Kyungsoo cared about me. That night, after my mother left home, I went to his place with a big bar of milk chocolate and a bag of chips.

“How was work?”

“Decent. Tiring. Did you go to school?”

“Took a day off.” I said and sat down on the couch. “Chocolate or chips?”

“Chips?”

“Good choice.”

I was happy that at least he cared about me. No love but it didn’t matter.

“Mom liked you.”

“Yeah…”

“She said you are a true housewife.”

“Jerk.”

“She also told me that you took care of me when I was sick that time…you didn’t tell me that.”

“Oh…” he whispered.

“Thanks…we could remain friends after we break up, right?”

“Right.”

“Good. I would need a friend or two.”

We ate the rest in silence and by the end of the movie, I had decided to head home for the night.

“I’m going.” I said.

“You could sleep over.” he said.

“It’s fine. I’d better go home. You don’t have to pretend when it’s just the two of us.”

“Oh…okay. Well, good night.”

“Yeah, good night.”

If he had asked one more time to stay, I would have. That’s what I was waiting for, hoping. But he didn’t. Not that I was expecting him to. Caring didn’t mean love.

We had one more week of fake dating. One, and we would go back to whatever it had been before. But that week, he got sick.

“I’m going over to him to…” I said to Chanyeol.

“You can’t cook.”

“Well, I bought some stuff and I can order take-out soup or something.”

“You’ll catch the flu.”

I needed to see him before it was all over.

“You didn’t tell me that he took care of me when I was sick.”

“He told me not to.” Chanyeol said.

I went to his apartment and knocked at the door. When he opened, he was covered in a big blanket and his nose was two times its size; red and peeling.

He sneezed and let me in.

“You’ll catch it too.” he said.

“It’s fine. Soup? And some ibuprofen and vitamin c and other stuff.”

“Baek…you didn’t have to come.” he sneezed again.

“Come on, it’ll get cold.”

We both ate.

“Take out?” he asked.

“I can’t cook.”

“I know.” he laughed. “Now go home. I don’t want you to-“he coughed, “get sick because of me.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not…”

“Yes, it is. I want to stay here with you.”

He sighed and coughed again.

“Then hug me…I’m freezing.” he said.

I crawled underneath the blanket and stuck my chest to his back while my hands were wrapped around him. We fell asleep like that and only woke up sometime in the middle of the night.

“How are you feeling?”

“Thirsty…” he whispered.

So I brought him one bottle of water which he drank in one gulp. He swallowed some more ibuprofen, ate a sandwich I made for him and afterwards, we went back to sleep, still holding him tight.

In the morning I felt stuffy too, but I didn’t tell him that. I made some more sandwiches and some tea that we drank in front of the TV, under the blankets he threw on top of us.

At lunch, I ordered some more takeout soup and when he asked me about school, I didn’t say anything. We had a couple more weeks and then I had to fake a fake break up for a fake relationship.

“You are silly.” he said.

“You look terrible. Eat more soup.”

Kyungsoo smiled and I smiled too. We watched some Netflix show the entire day and the one after, still falling asleep on the couch and hugging him tight in my arms. I didn’t want him to get better. That was great, both of us doing almost nothing, eating and watching movies together, not talking a lot but feeling happy about all of that. We were trapped in his apartment, me taking ibuprofen when he couldn’t see, hidden under layers of blankets.

But then, on the fourth day, he was fine, decent. It had almost been a week, the best one I could ask for. I woke up before him and pressed my face into his shoulder. He mumbled something and placed his hand over mine.

“I’m not stuffy anymore.” he said.

“And no fever either.”

Kyungsoo stood up and yawned. He was good but I wasn’t.

“I should go home then.” I said.

“Thanks. You didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine. I’ll tell Chanyeol we had a big fight last night and that we broke up.” I said.

“Oh…alright.”

“Bye.”

I was still wearing the same sweats and blouse, so I only had to put on the jacket. He didn’t tell me not to leave or anything; it would have been too dramatic if he had done that.

“Is he better?” Chanyeol asked.

“Yeah.” I said and sat down.

“Are you…okay?”

“We broke up.” I said, looking up at him.

“When?”

“Last night. We had another big…fight and we decided that it would be better to…you know…stop seeing each other.”

“But-but…you went to take care of him…”

“It’s fine. It wasn’t working anyways.” I said. “We are not compatible. I’m not…his type.”

“Baek…” he whispered and sat down next to me. “I’m sorry. I know how much you…”

“No, you don’t know. I’ve-I’ve liked him for 2 years and-and…”

Well, screw it. It felt like a real break up after all, especially after the 4 days when I had felt like his boyfriend more than ever.

“For 2 years…why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because…I didn’t know back then that I like…guys, you know. I’m still not sure now. I’ve only ever liked him in that way. But Seulgi just blubbered it all out and then you told mom about it and-and…what was I supposed to do?”

Chanyeol sighed.

“Don’t get angry at him. It’s my fault.”

Which was true.

Kyungsoo didn’t come to our apartment for one month, only Seulgi, not as much; it seemed like something had changed between her and my brother. I didn’t know what but I was certain it was because of what I had told him.

I had to forget about Kyungsoo.

The doorbell rang and I woke up. It had to be him. I opened the door, covered in a blanket and Kyungsooo pushed me against the wall, closing the door, and kissed me on the lips, cupping my face as he pressed his knee between my legs.

My alarm went off. I grumbled and turned on the other side of the bed. That was one of the dreams I had been having for the past couple of weeks, since I had not seen him at all. One day, I asked Chanyeol about him.

“Oh…he said it’s better to not come for a while…things might be awkward.”

Well, that was strange, because I thought that they had been before, when fake dating. My first instinct was to go see him, but I knew better. That would make me look desperate, and it was the last thing I wanted for him to think, among others.

So, instead, I went to a club. I wore the choker and some skin tight jeans with big rips in them and I hoped that I could find someone. You don’t have to think that what I was doing was stupid, because I knew quite well it was. But dwelling over a guy that doesn’t like you isn’t exactly better either.

The club was packed with people; the music was too loud and the bodies sticking to me, some hands roaming over my body. Eventually, I stopped at the bar and ordered a beer.

“Lonely?” someone asked, but the noise was too much for my ears.

I nodded anyways and the stranger sat next to mine.

“Pity you are lonely. I could help with that.” he smiled and placed a hand on my thigh.

He was handsome, undoubtedly, and I would lie not saying that the idea of having sex with him wasn’t appealing to me.

“Let’s get out of here.” I said and held his hand, pulling him towards the center of the club and then to the exit.

He was following me without a sound and then I realized that I didn’t even know his name.

“What’s your name?” I asked when I stepped outside and my ears were booming from the music.

“Sehun. Yours?”

“Baekhyun…”

He smirked, touching my jaw. “I like the choker.”

Finally, someone appreciating it. I kissed him, messily, with too much tongue and saliva, biting from time to time his lower lip. He pushed me on the wall of the club and cupped my erection through my jeans.

“Fuck…you are hard, kitten.”

Usually, in my fantasies, when Kyungsoo would have said that, it had been sexy. In reality, I was mildly embarrassed by the word.

“You are too.” I said and pressed my knee against his crotch.

He hissed, taking hold of my hips, pushing them forward. “Let’s go to my apartment.” he said and I nodded.

We had sex, if that was not clear and I slept the night at his place, cold and sore on his mattress while he had fallen asleep on the other side of the bed. It hadn’t been the way I had always pictured it, maybe with too many sparkles, rose petals and rainbows flying around.

It hurt like heck and maybe it was because of him or of me or the fact that I hadn’t been prepped enough, but it still hurt in the morning, so much so that I couldn’t sit on my ass and I was afraid that I might see blood on my boxers. The rest was fine. I left before he woke up, not that he seemed to be doing that anytime soon, and when I looked in the mirror, my neck was covered in hickeys. It looked almost funny, and going down the stairs, I burst into laughter.

My first time was not with Kyungsoo but with a complete stranger. In a way, it gave me a sense of superiority. I was moving on, not waiting for him anymore.

At home, I only sat up, not even on the couch. The slightest movement was sending a pang of pain right through my large intestine. Chanyeol noticed right away my huge collection of bruises.

“What the heck are those?”

“Hickeys. Love bites. Whatever.” I shrugged.

“What the fuck did you do?”

“What do you think I did?!”

“But you never had them when you…were with…you know…”

“Kyungsoo? Yeah, because we’ve never fucked.”

It sounded bad. Harsh. Cold. Mean.

“Oh…”

“Yeah…”

That day, I threw the choker in the trash bin. By the end of it, my ass was almost fine. One hot shower and I was back to normal. Who would have thought?

At the end of the second month of our break up, Kyungsoo came by. Then, my hickeys were all gone and I was glad and at the same time I really wanted him to see them. For some reason, I found Sehun’s number in my phone that day. I messaged him.

“Heeyy…” Kyungsoo said when he saw me.

I clicked send and then I looked up at him. Sehun answered after 1 minute, saying that I could come over.

“Where are you going?” Chanyeol asked me.

“To Sehun’s.” I said.

“Who’s Sehun?”

Kyungsoo was right next to us, hearing every single word that I was saying.

“My boyfriend.” I said and left.

Sehun wasn’t one to talk that much, he was getting right to action. That time, we couldn’t even make it to the bedroom; I straddled his lap on the couch from his kitchen and started kissing him while his hands were roaming all across my body, over my hardened nipples until they stopped at the fly of my pants.

I was getting better at it, much better. In the meantime, I had been watching some porn to give me some inspiration in what concerned the dos and don’ts in the bed, and by the end of it, I was pretty sure that Sehun was rather satisfied with my performance.

SMy ass still ached every time I moved or sat on anything, but not as badly as the last time. He had fallen asleep next to me on the couch, pressed against my back. Sehun was hot, emanating so much bodily heat that I didn’t even need a blanket; he smelled how men usually smell, like cheap, drugstore cologne and deodorant. It was pleasant.

I slept until 7 when I woke him up too.

“Hey…”

“Uhm…is it morning already?”

“Yeah…I should go.” I said and kissed him on the lips.

Morning breathe.

“You could stay a little bit longer.” he said and pulled me closer. “We have time for another round.”

“I have school.” I said.

He kissed me and a sighed, brushing my fingers through his hair.

“We could have lunch together.”

“Mhm…”

“So…”

“Lunch…I’ll text you.”

Sehun was different from Kyungsoo, even from the sole point that he liked me and considered me fuckable. Kyungsoo only thought of me as a nuisance that he had to take care of from time to time.

Then why wouldn’t my brain stop thinking about him?!

I had lunch with Sehun at a nice small café near my university, where all the trendy people were eating and putting pics of their food on Instagram.

“This is cozy.” I said. “Too many snobs here, but it’s nice.”

“Then we are one of them for today.” he laughed and took a bite from his 40$ hamburger.

“So…are you at school too?”

“Finished it.” he grinned. “Last year. Now I’m just working. What do you study?”

“English literature.”

“Never seen you the type.”

“The type to what?”

“Read Tolstoy and analyze the works of Shakespeare in his free time…”

“Well, I don’t. I don’t like it but it’s my second year so I cannot just…drop out.”

“Why not?”

“I wouldn’t know what to do then.”

“Something else.” he laughed. “I’m just kidding. I’d go nuts reading and reading those fancy boring books.”

“Sometimes I go crazy too.”

“Well, then lucky you have me.” he said.

Chanyeol was angry with me when I came back home.

“Is it the same guy?”

“Yes.”

“Are you really with him or did you just say it to make Kyungsoo jealous?”

“I am. Do you need a wedding band or what?!”

“I want to meet this guy.”

“You are not my mother.”

“Well, I might as well be. You know, mom still asks about Kyungsoo.”

“None of my business.”

“Baek…if you only want to make Kyungsoo jealous-“

“I don’t want to make him jealous because I don’t fucking care about him anymore, okay?!”

That…was a bit more than I intended. After that lunch, I was seeing Sehun regularly, so I was mostly sleeping at his place. Chanyeol had stopped nagging me about it at some point.

And then, one Friday night I chose to stay at home since Sehun was out with some friends.

We were not the jealous type of couple, even though, one week in, I found out that he didn’t want us to be exclusive, since he liked to sleep around from time to time. I had laughed at that and said I didn’t have any problem with it. In fact, I had more than one, but I needed to seem that cool guy that one like Sehun would find cool. Watching porn to draw inspiration from it and sucking his dick 3 times a week. I wasn’t sure why he would need to fuck somebody else, but I liked Sehun and I hoped that in the end, he would decide to only be with me.

I was the cool, not clingy Baekhyun, the Baekhyun who didn’t need absolute love from people, Baekhyun who could have sex 3 times in a row and not complain about his sore ass. It seemed like normal me was not good for anybody, so I was cool me, cum swallowing and football fan me.

That Friday night, Kyungsoo came over.

Sehun liked to bite. A lot, in all the most visible places on my body, like the neck and clavicles. There wasn’t a place where I didn’t have a hickey, but cool me didn’t mind that or acted embarrassed at school.

“Heey…” he said.

“Hey. I’m going to my room if that’s what you were thinking.” I said.

“No, I…we could hang out…all three of us. Like we used to.”

What a joke. I laughed and shook my head. There were no good times, only me clinging to him every single time he would be over.

“Okay.”

I sat on the couch next to him, like we used to, and he still smelled sweet, like vanilla and cinnamon. Then, I remember how much I had used to like the scent, how much I still liked it. It was so Kyungsoo, warm and cozy.

I glanced down at his hand and sighed. Then up at him, and in that moment, he looked at me too. But I wasn’t that Baekhyun anymore, at least not on the surface. Even though I wanted to smile and punch him in the ribs, I didn’t.

“We could rent a cabin for Christmas.” Chanyeol said.

“There’s still like…”

“It’s December already.” he said.

“And who would go?” I asked.

“You, me, Seulgi, Sehun, Kyungsoo...Jongdae and Yeri? Some of my work friends…Maybe Kyungsoo has some people too.”

“Whatever.”

I knew Kyungsoo would sleep over. And I still wanted to be hugged by him. When I thought about it, my needs towards him had always been about hugging, cuddling, holding hands. All those useless romantic things that nobody really does after some point. And kissing. But I had Sehun for all of that, Sehun who was probably sleeping with someone else right then.

I opened the door and walked on my tiptoes to the couch. Sleep wasn’t coming to me that night; I could make an exception and be the old me again with him. Cool Baekhyun was still a nouveauté, not yet ingrained into my sleepy consciousness.

“Kyungsoo…”

“Huh…who’s…?”

“It’s me…”

I slipped underneath the blanket and pressed my cold body against his.

“Baek…”

“I can’t sleep and I’m freezing and…I just…” I whispered and wrapped both arms around him.

Clingy. He hated it as much as Sehun did, all of them. I needed to not care, to not do whatever I was doing wrong. But I was tired and just needed to be me.

“Okay…” he sighed and pressed me at his chest.

I fell asleep and woke up still next to him.

“I’ll make pancakes.” he said after a while.

I yawned. His eyes had always been pretty, big and glassy, dark brown but warm in a way. I turned on the other side and sat against his chest. His thumb was caressing my knuckles, slowly, drawing the contours for each of them. Then it stopped on my wrist and pressed against my pulse point. It was getting faster and faster and he knew. I wanted him to kiss me on the neck for some reason; his breathe was brushing against the bare skin, prickling it like the cold. I shivered.

His thumb returned to my fingers, tracing each of them and stopping right at their base for a moment before it would go straight up a second time, slower. It felt sexual, in a way. I leaned my head back on his shoulder while his hand lied flat against my stomach. My entire body trembled, it knew already where it was supposed to descend. But it didn’t. It stayed there for a while and I closed my eyes, still in waiting.

Maybe he wanted me after all. Or was he doing it all from pity again?

“Do you…like this?” I asked him.

“Yes…” he said into my ear.

“Sehun and I aren’t exclusive.” I said.

“I haven’t yet thanked you for taking care of me.”

I laughed, covering his hand with mine.

“We are even now.”

I slowly pushed his fingers down until they reached the hem of my pants. “Baek…” he whispered.

“Only once…touch me only once.”

“If I do it once, I’ll then do it more and you’ll want it more…and I…”

“What’s so bad about it…?” I asked and dragged his hand lower, I didn’t even have to exert much force, because it went willingly, stopping over my erection. “Don’t you want it too?”

He kissed my neck and pressed against my bulge with the palm of his hand. I knew I was going to come, too quickly, from only that. That was not something the new me was supposed to do, but it didn’t matter then.

“Please…”

“Baek…” he whispered, kissing the spot where I had a hickey that was not yet healed.

Kyungsoo sucked it and I moaned too loudly. He covered my mouth with one hand and I bit on the pink flesh as he started moving his fingers faster.

“Fuck…I’m going to…” I mumbled.

In that moment, I heard the door open and I just came, biting Kyungsoo who was still rubbing me hard and fast.

“Mooo…rning…”

I was feeling too good to give a damn about the fact that my brother had just walked in on us.

“I’m only…”

The door closed again and Kyungsoo let his hand fall from my mouth.

“Fuck.”

I looked over at him and smiled. “Kyungsoo…”

“That…was so-“

“Good.” I said and nuzzled at his neck.

I kissed him once and waited, but he didn’t push me away, so I kissed him again on the soft skin. He smelled like my shower gel, not Chanyeol’s.

“What about Sehun?”

“We are not exclusive…so…” I said.

An idea sparked into my mind.

“You’ve had sex with him?”

“Of course I did.”

“Oh…”

I looked up at him, not before I had slightly wetted my lips and dragged my finger across his bottom one.

“He likes it rough. He just really likes to pound into me while I have my hands tied and-“

“Okay…that’s enough.” he said, clearing his throat.

I could still be different from the usual Baekhyun. I could make him want me and need me and not get much in return. If he had never liked the real me who would do anything for him, then he would get someone else, when it seemed like he wasn’t so indifferent to me after all.

“Pancakes?” I asked and stood up from the couch. “You said you’d make some.”

“Yeah…I was just…”

“I’m going to the bathroom to take a shower.” I said and left first to my bedroom.

He looked at me almost all the time during breakfast; maybe even Chanyeol, but that was something I could deal with later.

“I cannot believe what I’ve just seen. Don’t you have any shame in you?” my brother asked me after Kyungsoo had left with no good bye kiss, no hug. Nothing.

“Well, Kyungsoo was actually doing everything if that’s what you are implying.”

“On the couch!”

“I didn’t stain it.”

“I was just in the other room.”

“We didn’t do much.”

“Baekhyun!!”

“Next time we’ll take it to the bedroom.” I said.

Sehun didn’t seem annoyed about the new set of bruises I had on the neck. I didn’t expect him to, anyways.

“So…how was out with the boys?”

“I didn’t actually…go out with my friends.” he said, looking down at his food. “I actually…met with my ex and we…got back together.”

I dropped the fork on the ground.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I met him and…I…still love him. We have…known each other for so long and I simply couldn’t be away from him anymore.”

I had been too cocky. Thinking that I could get the hang out of being detached, not caring so much when in reality I did.

“Okay.”

“Baek, I’m sorry, I know we were getting along and the sex was great and-“

“It’s fine. Don’t need to apologize to me. I get it. You still like him better.”

I went home and threw in the garbage the stupid bunny he won for me at a stupid fair one day. There was only one week until Christmas and I had been dumped by a guy that still liked better his ex.

I laughed. Dumped right before Christmas. I had already bought him a stupid video game that he wanted because somehow, before I saw Kyungsoo again, I actually hoped that Sehun and I might actually work out and I might forget about Kyungsoo and all of my disgusting feelings.

The game ended in the trash too. Luckily, I didn’t have much stuff from him and as I sat on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I knew I couldn’t be cold and calculated with Kyungsoo. No matter what I had been doing, it wasn’t functioning.

We were beginning to buy food and stuff for the cabin. I didn’t want to go but I didn’t have many options.

“How much booze do you think we need?” Chanyeol asked me.

I shrugged.

“Are you okay?”

“I think I’m staying home. I might go to mom this year.”

“Baek…what’s wrong?”

That was exactly the kind of discussion I wanted to have in the middle of a supermarket aisle. One about how deplorably miserable I was feeling right then because I couldn’t find a way to act like a human being people might like.

“Sehun dumped me for his ex.”

“I’m…sorry.”

“Whatever. I didn’t like him very much anyways.”

“And Kyungsoo?”

“What about him?!!”

That turned worse than I had hoped. My throat was aching.

“I thought you guys patched things up. That morning on…”

“That morning was a mistake so please just shut up. I’ll spend Christmas with mom.”

I didn’t want to do it back at home. But I had already said it and I didn’t want to see Kyungsoo’s face for 2 weeks straight at least. I did buy Chanyeol a gift which I left in his bedroom before I took the train back home. 14 hours trapped in a train, alone with my thoughts and shame and guilt.

Mom hugged me as soon as he opened the door; I hadn’t told her about my plan in advance.  

“What are you doing here? You were supposed to be with your brother at the cabin in-“

“Didn’t feel like it.” I said.

“And Kyungsoo…?”

“We broke up, mom.”

And then I burst into tears like a five year old and hid my face at her chest, moping right into her white blouse that she was wearing.

“I love him so much…” I whispered.

That was not one of my proudest moments in my life, but it did make me feel much better afterwards. My mother was a very understanding woman, from her husband to me and Chanyeol.

Back then she was married to another man, after our father divorced her for a woman he had met at work, and even though I didn’t particularly like her new husband, I was happy for her. She wasn’t all alone in our old house.

“Hey, Pete.” I said, still rubbing my eyes.

“Hey, Baekkie boy.” he said and his smile faltered when he saw me.

I bet I was quite the view that day. Mom made me fudgy brownies with hot chocolate that we ate on the couch while I told her everything about the past half year of my life, including all the lies and my failed relationship with Sehun.

“I’m so sorry, honey…I really thought you two were in love.”

“I mean…I was-am…but he never showed much interest.”

“But he cares about you, sweetie. A lot. He could have taken advantage of you, knowing how you feel about him. But he didn’t…maybe you should have gone to the cabin with them…”

“It’s fine. I like it here better.” I said, hugging her. “How did you know that…Pete liked you?”

“Well…when you are our age things are less…effervescent. We met through a friend and went on a date. Then on a second and decided we had a lot in common, we both had kids from previous marriages and you know…got married afterwards. But what you have is different…”

“Yeah, a lot of bullshit. I am clingy because I am afraid that he might get bored of me, that if I don’t show him how much I love him he wouldn’t…I don’t know…I don’t mean to be annoying and when I tried to be cool, it still didn’t work.”

“Just give it time. For both of you, to sort your feelings out.”

“I wish it were as simple as it was for you.”

“Honey…”

I love my mom. Truly. Even though she couldn’t really understand why I was so mopey every time, when the situation was so simple in her head.  

On Christmas Eve there was a knock at the door.

“Can you answer it?” my mother asked.

“Yeah.”

I opened the door, not expecting much when there he was, right in the snow that was falling down onto his coat and hair. Kyungsoo.

He was right there, on my doorstep, smiling.

“Merry Christmas!”

“What are you doing here?”

“I…” he laughed, looking down, “came to wish you a Merry Christmas, since it is Christmas tomorrow and…”

“But what about the cabin?”

“I didn’t go.”

“But why?”

“You…didn’t go…”

“But we…”

“Baekhyun, who is it?” my mother asked from the kitchen.

We were about to decorate the tree as Pete had just taken it from the storage and placed it in the middle of the hallway. It smelled like dust and burnt electric installations.

“Come in.” I said. “It’s cold…and inside is warm and you know…”

“It smells really great.”

“Yeah…mom made cookies. Give me the backpack…”

“Baek…” he said, touching my hand. “I…acted like an ass towards you and when Chanyeol told me you were going to spend Christmas with your parents…”

“You felt sorry for me?”

He rubbed the back of his neck and I regretted saying that.

“Sorry…it-“

“No, you are right to be mad, I’d be too if I were you.”

“Give me the backpack…”

“Baek, who is it? Kyungsoo?!”

“Mrs. Byun!!”

“It’s actually Davison, from my second husband.” my mother said. “Come on, we were about to decorate the tree. You could give a hand.” she winked.

As we were putting glass ornaments on small branches, I was glancing from time to time at him and I would catch him staring at me at times, so we would both smile and look somewhere else. Mom would brush her fingers through our hair from time to time while smiling equally as much as us. Only Pete seemed a little bit awkward with all of that.

“I’ll prepare your bedroom.” she told Kyungsoo.

“So…I whispered. What do you think?”

He laughed, touching the tip of his nose. “I love it here. Better than when I’m home with my folks. Oh. I almost forgot.” he said and ran into the hallway to crouch next to his oversized backpack. “I put it somewhere over here.”

“It’s not much.” he said, giving me a red box with a big bow on it. “I hope they didn’t melt.”

He had bought me a fancy box of chocolates. I laughed, thinking about his scattered ones from Jongin, all over our apartment.

“The lady there said those are the best and…”

“Thanks…but I don’t have anything for you.”

“It’s fine. I’m here, you are here and I ate a lot of cupcakes. There’s no need for a gift.”

I was utterly, fuckingly so in love with him, even more than at the beginning.

“Everything is ready!”

We slept in separate rooms, somewhat. Past midnight, I slipped out of my bed and walked into his room.

“Are you asleep?”

“Not really…” he whispered.

“Okay…” I said and lied down next to him under the covers.

“We should…”

“I wasn’t going to do anything…” I said.

“I know…I was just saying that we shouldn’t rush anything and that we-“

“I know…I don’t want to either. But can you cuddle me? I’m cold…” I said and put my feet over his.

“God dammit, you are cold.” he laughed and wrapped both arms around me, placing a kiss on my cheek. “We might still fight, a lot.”

“I’m sure of that.”

“And I might still be an ass.”

“I’m sure of that too.”

“And you are still so…clingy.”

“Sticky.”

“Sticky.”

“You know that I do it because I…”

He squeezed me tighter and kissed me again. “I know. Merry Christmas, Byun Baekhyun…”

“Merry Christmas, Do Kyungsoo.”

“I…like you.” he whispered and kissed my cheek again. “And I care about your feelings and your life. I’ve always cared, so you know.”

I smiled and held his hand.

I was happy.

 

 -

**Author's Note:**

> comments are well loved:)


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